Anxious

Man, I am feeling so ansy right now. When I get like this, I freak out and then just want to sleep b/c I don't know what to do- feeling so overwhelmed! Yeep!

Brad is graduating in 17 days...that is really soon! I thought I would be ecstatic about this, but I am not. I am flippin' out. 17 days and the VA school money stops- we've lived off that for 5 years...scary. For a couple months he's had people telling him they want him- his current boss, the head of another engineering firm and then a couple that have expressed interest more than once. However...no written offers yet, just a lot of "we're trying to get them to let us hire another engineer" and things of that nature. He has gotten one call...from a firm he applied to in Jax. They called and said the Jax position was filled, then asked if he'd be interested in the same position in Austin, TX. He said yes b/c so far that's the closest thing to an offer he's gotten. So now, we wait...and I freak. I will probably be procrastinating everything and crying at random times throughout the next few weeks b/c my mind and body don't handle "unknowns" well. I am praying that this gets worked out soon and am trying to "cast all my cares on Him." Honestly though, I'm not good at that. I worry. I get anxious. I cry.

I love my life!....not really.

Man, what a whirlwind of weeks it has been. I feel so weak and have felt so defeated. I told my husband I was ready to fall asleep and never wake up last night. I know he hates hearing me say things like that and I hate that they hurt him, but I don't want to hold all the bad inside either.

I have to be more careful about what I type b/c I know many people don't read this, but I know some mosey over here every once in a while and I don't want to create more tension and heartache right now so here I go, being super vague.

Brad has been incredibly busy recently. Late nights at work. Our of town for school stuff. Well, I've hated it. I cannot plan anything which is a big deal for me. Chaos and not knowing what's going on are big depression triggers for me. I've actually for the first time since we were married in Feb. 2007, thought that marriage was hard- really hard. Just one more reason to plead with Jesus about taking me home. Ugh, makes me feel like such a horrible person, wife and mother.

The little things that really are not life changers have gotten into my head- bad. Brad being gone, not getting paid correctly at work (I love what I do, but I also sub for people like crazy b/c we need the money and with gas as high as it is, I need to be paid for those classes!), Brad's car breaking down (today is day 4 stuck at home), to being generally annoyed with loved ones (here's where I must stay vague and short). I don't want answers (unless you have a guaranteed to work one, please share), I just want to vent b/c I mad...and sad, and frustrated, confused, yada yada.

I did however hang with Brad, my sister G and brother in law recently and that was wonderful. I forgot about all my "troubles" during that time. Plus, it was so nice to talk about family issues with people who understood. It wasn't all about me and it was a nice break. That is one of my least favorite things about depression (well really, it all sucks)...you really are wrapped up in yourself. Horrible. I don't want to live like this.

I did get another prescription to help with my damaged inner left ear and misperception in the brain (supposedly why I get migraines) that should also help with sleep and anxiety- bonus! Don't know if I'll ever get to try it though b/c I just can't pay full price for a prescription right now, especially after paying OVER $800 just to get the script. That erks me a little, can you tell?

Birthday Blues

Birthday tears are some of the worst kind. :( Sucky couple of days. Can I just get over this already? I don't even want to type. Bleh.

How about an update?

Hello to you. I hope you are having a great Wednesday. I thought I would take a few (or more) minutes and reflect on the last few weeks.

Let's see, the days leading up to CXworx training in January were very scary. Even on my way to the training I was thinking how it would be nice if I got into a car accident and ended it all.  Well, I didn't and I'm thankful. I never want my daughter to be without a mother AND I had one of the best weekends of my life. I felt strong and powerful and I got certified at the training which is a huge bonus.  My trainer was amazing. He is definitely doing what God created him to do...it was like he knew there was more to my story. He kept saying that I was a fighter and inspiring him! Really?! So humbling. Well after that I had an amazing three weeks. There was even a week where I didn't take my clear mood and I was fine. A miracle!  Since then I've had a couple minor bumps, but nothing that people without depression don't experience every now and then. I thought, this is it, I'm free. I'm free!! Praise God Almighty...well, this past week I had one day that brought me back. :( I don't know why exactly. My balance/hearing appt. may have played a part.
I have something up and they are trying to figure out if it's my inner ear or something with my vision. I had a ear cleaning, suctioning fluid and such, hearing test, and balance test and have felt kind of crappy since. My sleep patterns have also worsened and they were not good to begin with. We're also getting slammed with medical bills since we have bobo insurance right now. All wonderful things to put on the shoulders of someone who suffers from depression, eh? Well, I'm hoping that it will all be resolved soon. I want to feel better so badly....and get a good night's sleep! I feel like I'm barely functioning right now. Lydia had a rough morning and that combined with exhaustion just leads to tears that need to get out. Hmph.
That really is ending on a down note and that is not what I intended. Things are looking up with my mental status- is that the right phrase? We just need to get all the other stuff to look up as well.

Thoughts

 Our society views depression as something to “rise above and overcome,” Meltzer-Brody said. Depression gets dismissed as a minor issue, fixed with a mere attitude adjustment. “I’ve had many patients tell me that they felt so guilty and judged by friends and family for not being able to ‘just snap out of it and focus on the positive,’” she said.

The above paragraph is from an article I read today about post partum depression. I don't have PPD, I just D, but this statement is so true. People will tell me they understand and are praying for me, but then I finally get the courage to mention something out loud (not just on here!) and they say the most insensitive things. They probably don't even realize it.  How can they? They are not going through what I am. Other people make me feel guilty that I am down when I am so blessed and others are dealing with "much worse." I am not belittling anyone else's misfortunes, please don't belittle mine. I know it must be hard to have a life threatening illness, but guess what...depression IS life threatening.  I imagine that cancer patients pray for healing, well, I am not proud to admit it, but I pray for cancer sometimes. I pray for healing don't get me wrong...,but I also often add a plea for cancer or something that looks horrible to everyone on the outside b/c depression is horrible, but it's so misunderstood. 

Thank God for hope though. Recently an old friend of mine posted a note on fb about his recent career/self struggle. The first part could've been written by me. He was embarrassed by his job and felt like a failure. He was smart, college educated and working with people who didn't even have a HS diploma. I was there. I couldn't handle it so I quit...so did he. He then mentioned a movie quote where a son was apologizing to his father for being a failure and the father responded with, "to be a failure, you have to have actually tried...don't give yourself so much credit. You're worse than that." Ouch. He mentioned it b/c he said it was an "aha" moment that he was blaming other people and situations for where he was in life when he hadn't even really tried yet. Well, now he is preparing to start school at GA Tech to get his MBA and go for his dreams. I'm so proud of him. That movie quote won't leave me though. I need more and hope for more. God, please honor my prayer and direct my steps. 

Hello all (or just Gloria-hehe, love you!). Thank you for praying. Please, please continue to lift us up if you think of it.
This past Saturday was very, very dark. One of those days where I just have to pray constantly for fear of what I might be capable of doing. I am so thankful for my relationship with Christ. It gets me through and knowing Him has brought me some healing. I know that what I experience is an illness and not who I am...even when I have no idea why I feel so depressed, I can talk to myself with (some) reason.

Okay, next. :)  I want to share a little encouragement also. Health and fitness is important to me, as you know. It's also very hard sometimes. You have to deal with your own flesh not wanting to work out or eat right and you also have to deal with people around you who may not understand your struggle and your goals and they hinder you in your efforts. That last part is especially rough when it is people you love and are closest to. With that said, you also are stronger than you think. If you think back a year ago, or even a month...some struggles or temptations you had are probably completely a thing of the past today. Celebrate that! If you slip up, stop, refocus and keep moving forward.  My dear friend shared these verses with me. Psalm 18:32-36. I'm not going to type them out- please read them. God is our strength and he IS strength so that's great news for us!

  I love when I feel a little burst of "Yes I can and I WILL!!" When you feel those, try to hang on tight!

Please Pray!!

Hello to anyone who is reading this. :) I am writing tonight to ask for your prayers over some important stuff that our family is dealing with. I don't want to lay it out on the table just yet. I appreciate it soooo much and am praying for you all right now!