Stupid depression demon

Welp, I'm not feeling too great.  Though at least my feelings now are somewhat manageable and even slightly explainable...and all this with no meds. I hate that I feel guilty for just being me.  I feel expensive b/c of all of my medical bills and lack of income that I bring in. On top of that feeling, I can't physically do many jobs right now b/c of my injuries and I have no computer skills for a big girl job (which I would probably really dislike anyway so that's probably not a total bad thing). And why do people not want to hire weekend help? Ugh. Brad is so sweet and talked with me a lot today and did his best to reassure me that he has never had thoughts that I was "expensive" and that he really wants me to be home with Lydia even during this less than ideal financial time in our lives. I believe him completely, it's me that needs convincing. When I voice some of these things out loud I feel so foolish. They start to sound so petty. I don't want these negatives thoughts and emotions to rule my life. I want to be a person that others are happy to be around and a person that shows God's love and character through my love for other people.

Some things I wish everyone understood about me...

Wow, that title is definitely feeding the "me monster." I don't know if I'm going to stay true that title though. We'll see, I just have some stuff on my mind.

I'll start with something positive. Today I had a conversation with someone I've "known" for over two years.  It was our first ever sit down and talk conversation and it was awesome. I opened myself up to her (not as much as she did to me, but I was trying) and I did not cry. I thought I would, but then I switched directions a bit and we continued our conversation. It put me in a good mood which I am so grateful for. I did not even take a nap today despite my normal afternoon torturous headache that hit. Partially I think that is from the positive energy (not in a weird, zen way) and b/c my body is really reacting well to spark. I didn't notice it the first couple times I used it, a lot of people do, but my body can be cruel to me and sometimes I don't notice anything b/c of the distracting headaches. I was productive today and that always makes me feel good and lifts my spirits. I even cleaned the inside of the microwave- HELLO!

Speaking of lifted spirits, I have not taken my antidepressants in probably two weeks. I know, that's probably not good, but so far it's been okay. :) I have had rollercoaster emotions, but not the big coasters with the huge drops, more like the kiddie coasters that my niece, Kendall, who is three, could ride. And I feel like I need to further justify this...I stopped taking them b/c my migraine disorder has been very bad recently and I was also suffering from extreme dizziness and dizziness is a med. side effect. I have been less dizzy since I stopped taking my med. The headaches are still bad, but it is more manageable without the dizziness. I also was thinking I need to see how it would be off them b/c if Brad and I wanted another baby, I would have to stop taking them anyway.  Well, we had both felt a peace about having another child and were getting excited, but now I don't know if that is going to happen- at least not in the near future. :( I don't know how to word this without completely babbling (stop laughing), but we are in an insurance rut. We're losing ours VERY soon and I am currently in physical therapy and probably need knee surgery and when (if we can) get new insurance, they will not pay towards those things for 12 months b/c they are a pre-existing condition.  I don't know what the pregnancy policy would be. I think it's different for different companies. We could probably get medicaid, but I would have to switch my doctors, Lydia's doctor and the most painful- have to deal with government services and feel like everyone is judging me. I am pretty tired of being one of those people that has to receive all the time.  It really IS better to give than to receive, so if you are in the position to give to others, count your blessings.  Okay, bit of a tangent there, sorry.  I feel very blessed too, just so we're straight. :)

Brad's school. Ugh. I have not disliked school more and I'm not even in it!! He is a senior and they have him doing dumb, group projects that have nothing to do with his major. I never know if I am going to see him b/c he always has to work with his different groups. Today I *thought* he would be home by 4:30 and was getting really excited...yeah, he got home at 7:30 and has been in his office doing hw ever since. If you couldn't tell, I miss him. This has been the semester from Hades. May, please come soon!!!

Anyway, with all the above mentioned stuff mentioned...(did you follow that?), you can probably understand that I may NEED to get a job. I've been looking for  a while, but unfortunately the skills I have don't really help me when it comes to getting a job that can help support our family right now- including childcare.  I feel like this is a huge test of faith and I am really trying to trust. I am. It's hard though. I'm sure this period of our lives will make us stronger and makes us more appreciative of the future (and hopefully stability).

Whew, that may be all I've got in me right now. I'm kind of proud of myself. That's a lot for me!! Maybe it's still the spark. Haha.

Change for the better!

I want to be so consumed in my relationship with Jesus Christ and in living the life he intended for me to live that the problems and pains I go through pale in importance! I know it's okay to not like things and sometimes healthy to not be satisfied in some areas...and I will surely still have negative posts, but I want the positive stuff to be greater! God has blessed me with love here on earth and a love that I have now and will have forever. He has saved my soul!! How cool is that?!...I'll answer that, it's the coolest thing EVER!

What's gotten into me, eh? I just got home from seeing the movie "Courageous" and wow, that was like church fo' rizzle rizzle. I would normally say it is WAY past my bedtime, maybe I'll post later...but you know, never would. Well this time I had to. I should not hold back the great things in my life. I don't deserve them, but I am thankful for them.  I'm so glad that someone had the vision for "Courageous" and followed through with it. God is speaking through that movie.

Posting Hiatus

Have you been wondering why I haven't posted in a little bit?....Aw, that's so sweet of you- hahaha! Okay so, you probably haven't and that's fine. I have really wanted to- like every day for the last week!, but I feel like poop among other things which makes putting your thoughts together collectively and coherently rather difficult. Bummer. A new post will appear in the future, I just don't know when.

Is it possible to feel overwhelmed and at peace at the same time?

Whoa man, do I feel some craziness going on inside of me right now.  I've been wanting to blog for days, but I have felt like death so I chose to relax or at least try to. Of course, putting it off only makes my mind feel cluttered with what I wanted to blog about. It's a big jumbled mess up there...the kind you need nails for...to help get all the knots out.  It's such a strange feeling. Like, really really strange. I feel happy, yet when I start to truly think about things, I feel mad, frustrated, confused, anxious, blah blah blah.

Let me just say that having a continual burning sensation in your shoulders, pain in your knee, horrible migraines and the flu all at once is no party. It makes me think the worst in some things like, "I'm going to blow up and be the size of a blimp," and other stupid thoughts. For real though, I've gained six pounds in two weeks. I'm not sure where I was going with that...maybe we'll revisit it later.

I am excited though about Advocare. I just bacame a distributor and am looking forward to growing with advocare.  Check out http://www.advocare.com/1109159. <---- Shameless plug.

Anyway, I am just feeling bad for lack of a better word, about always being sick, teaching less, losing our health insurance, baby planning, and I'm sure there's more I can't think of off the top of my head.  Plus, Brad is home now, so I am distracted and want to get off the computer. :)  Despite all this though, I have that inner joy and knowledge that things will be okay. Praise God!

"Be thankful for what you have." "God has something better for you, be patient." These are things that I am repeating to myself today.  Trying to get them to stick so they aren't just in my head, but also in my heart.
I have had shoulder pain (especially in my right shoulder) for over eight months now. I have been to the physical therepist and have done some exercises, but the pain is persistant.  Pretty much the only thing that makes it feel like it's gone is to not use it at all.  Not only do I think that would make it worse, it's just impossible right now with a small child. I use my shoulders all the time with her.  Just over the last couple of weeks, I've also started to have pain in my right knee.  Initially I thought I must have twisted it in my sleep or something, b/c it seemed to come out of nowhere and the pain was mild.  Well, the pain is no longer mild and has me concerned.  I make $ (little as it is, it is a huge help to my family right now) exercising!  Exercise is not only my job, but my joy and oftentimes emotional well being. I would be crushed if I couldn't teach.  Not only b/c I would miss the teaching, but b/c if I don't teach at the Y, I don't go...b/c I would lose membership and I cannot afford to pay for membership. I am trying to be calm and to take care of myself, but all the "what if's" build up and get me anxious.  My body feels like it's falling apart and that makes me a little angry to be honest.  I work hard and as best as I know how, I work safely.  I try to rest when I feel my body needs it. I don't fill my body with a bunch of junk. It's just not fair, and in this case not fair stinks. (In some cases, I am so glad things are not fair- like salvation). The last time I was majorly injured was when I badly hurt my back. I went from 127 lbs. to 150 lbs. in a matter of months.  I have the type of body that clings to fat for dear life. I hate that. I am worried about all of this making my depression worse, about being completely broke, about gaining weight (also depressing for me), about losing acquaintances who I really wish were dear friends. Bleh. I need a punching bag to let out my distress, but oh wait, I can't punch b/c of the pain in my shoulders.  Agghhhh!

Redundancy

Ugh! Blah! Why can't I just feel physically well? So frustrating...I don't wish for some horrid disease or cancer, but man, a diagnosis of some sort would definitely be a relief and an answered prayer.  (Just pray extra that it's not ebola or rabies-ha). Seriously though, my opinion of doctors is not positive right now.  I keep using my time and (little that I have) money, and getting nowhere. My dad was told for years that he was healthy b/c all his vitals were always avg. or above. Now, the list of what he doesn't have physically wrong with him would be shorter than the list for what he does have.  That shouldn't be! I pray for relief and answers. Feeling "sick" daily, even hourly as some days go, really puts a damper on the normal day to day stuff.  A full time job, ha- they would fire me for taking too many sick days. I'm tired of it. If I didn't have such a bad headache, I'd probably be angry too, but I know that would make the headache worse so I am trying to stay calm.