Birthday Blues

Birthday tears are some of the worst kind. :( Sucky couple of days. Can I just get over this already? I don't even want to type. Bleh.

How about an update?

Hello to you. I hope you are having a great Wednesday. I thought I would take a few (or more) minutes and reflect on the last few weeks.

Let's see, the days leading up to CXworx training in January were very scary. Even on my way to the training I was thinking how it would be nice if I got into a car accident and ended it all.  Well, I didn't and I'm thankful. I never want my daughter to be without a mother AND I had one of the best weekends of my life. I felt strong and powerful and I got certified at the training which is a huge bonus.  My trainer was amazing. He is definitely doing what God created him to do...it was like he knew there was more to my story. He kept saying that I was a fighter and inspiring him! Really?! So humbling. Well after that I had an amazing three weeks. There was even a week where I didn't take my clear mood and I was fine. A miracle!  Since then I've had a couple minor bumps, but nothing that people without depression don't experience every now and then. I thought, this is it, I'm free. I'm free!! Praise God Almighty...well, this past week I had one day that brought me back. :( I don't know why exactly. My balance/hearing appt. may have played a part.
I have something up and they are trying to figure out if it's my inner ear or something with my vision. I had a ear cleaning, suctioning fluid and such, hearing test, and balance test and have felt kind of crappy since. My sleep patterns have also worsened and they were not good to begin with. We're also getting slammed with medical bills since we have bobo insurance right now. All wonderful things to put on the shoulders of someone who suffers from depression, eh? Well, I'm hoping that it will all be resolved soon. I want to feel better so badly....and get a good night's sleep! I feel like I'm barely functioning right now. Lydia had a rough morning and that combined with exhaustion just leads to tears that need to get out. Hmph.
That really is ending on a down note and that is not what I intended. Things are looking up with my mental status- is that the right phrase? We just need to get all the other stuff to look up as well.

Thoughts

 Our society views depression as something to “rise above and overcome,” Meltzer-Brody said. Depression gets dismissed as a minor issue, fixed with a mere attitude adjustment. “I’ve had many patients tell me that they felt so guilty and judged by friends and family for not being able to ‘just snap out of it and focus on the positive,’” she said.

The above paragraph is from an article I read today about post partum depression. I don't have PPD, I just D, but this statement is so true. People will tell me they understand and are praying for me, but then I finally get the courage to mention something out loud (not just on here!) and they say the most insensitive things. They probably don't even realize it.  How can they? They are not going through what I am. Other people make me feel guilty that I am down when I am so blessed and others are dealing with "much worse." I am not belittling anyone else's misfortunes, please don't belittle mine. I know it must be hard to have a life threatening illness, but guess what...depression IS life threatening.  I imagine that cancer patients pray for healing, well, I am not proud to admit it, but I pray for cancer sometimes. I pray for healing don't get me wrong...,but I also often add a plea for cancer or something that looks horrible to everyone on the outside b/c depression is horrible, but it's so misunderstood. 

Thank God for hope though. Recently an old friend of mine posted a note on fb about his recent career/self struggle. The first part could've been written by me. He was embarrassed by his job and felt like a failure. He was smart, college educated and working with people who didn't even have a HS diploma. I was there. I couldn't handle it so I quit...so did he. He then mentioned a movie quote where a son was apologizing to his father for being a failure and the father responded with, "to be a failure, you have to have actually tried...don't give yourself so much credit. You're worse than that." Ouch. He mentioned it b/c he said it was an "aha" moment that he was blaming other people and situations for where he was in life when he hadn't even really tried yet. Well, now he is preparing to start school at GA Tech to get his MBA and go for his dreams. I'm so proud of him. That movie quote won't leave me though. I need more and hope for more. God, please honor my prayer and direct my steps. 

Hello all (or just Gloria-hehe, love you!). Thank you for praying. Please, please continue to lift us up if you think of it.
This past Saturday was very, very dark. One of those days where I just have to pray constantly for fear of what I might be capable of doing. I am so thankful for my relationship with Christ. It gets me through and knowing Him has brought me some healing. I know that what I experience is an illness and not who I am...even when I have no idea why I feel so depressed, I can talk to myself with (some) reason.

Okay, next. :)  I want to share a little encouragement also. Health and fitness is important to me, as you know. It's also very hard sometimes. You have to deal with your own flesh not wanting to work out or eat right and you also have to deal with people around you who may not understand your struggle and your goals and they hinder you in your efforts. That last part is especially rough when it is people you love and are closest to. With that said, you also are stronger than you think. If you think back a year ago, or even a month...some struggles or temptations you had are probably completely a thing of the past today. Celebrate that! If you slip up, stop, refocus and keep moving forward.  My dear friend shared these verses with me. Psalm 18:32-36. I'm not going to type them out- please read them. God is our strength and he IS strength so that's great news for us!

  I love when I feel a little burst of "Yes I can and I WILL!!" When you feel those, try to hang on tight!

Please Pray!!

Hello to anyone who is reading this. :) I am writing tonight to ask for your prayers over some important stuff that our family is dealing with. I don't want to lay it out on the table just yet. I appreciate it soooo much and am praying for you all right now!

Some stuff

Okay, I read a blog today that was "10 facts about me" and felt inspired to write a post.  Mine won't be so playful and fun, but I will do my best to throw some positives in the mix.  You know, since I've suffered from depression, often times I will think back and try to make connections or see where it may have stemmed from and I've come to realize that my childhood was not the best.  It defnitely wasn't the worst either. I have parents who are married and love me, but due to some crappy life circumstances, they were not able to do all they wanted for us and give us the time that (I think they wanted) we wanted.  They did try.  They were always at dance recitals and church musicals which is awesome. I'm thankful for that.

1) I have always felt like the black sheep of my siblings. I am feeling closer to my sisters though as we get older.
2) I have always had issues with rejection. When I auditioned for a solo in 5th grade I choked...finally got through it and did get a solo. I did fine when parts were given to me, it was something about the try out or audition though that got to me. ....3) On the same note, I auditioned for a part at Alhambra about 2 years ago and bombed it.  I was so embarrassed I still tear up from pain when I see their commercials or pass the building.
4) I don't like to try things unless I know I can be successful.
5) With that being said, I walked on to the crew team in college anyway b/c I really wanted it. I did okay, but I think I was the only returning rower the next year that didn't get some sort of scholarship. I felt like my hard work was taken for granted.  I even rowed for a girl after school was out so that particular boat could practice for regionals while one rower was out of town. I got one free meal and just the enjoyment of rowing and being part of a team as my payment. I really did love being on the team.
6) My brother used to pay my sister and I to smell his nasty sneakers. We did it.
7) I rode my first roller coaster on a safety patrol trip. It was at Busch Gardens Williamsburg- The Big Bad Wolf. I absolutely loved it. I still love them, but now I have to take motion sickness medicine before going to theme parks.
8) When I was in 7th grade I played the handbells at church and was also part of the puppeteer team.
9) In 11th grade I worked as much as I could so that I could take dance along with pay for things like gas and was only able to afford ONE class. I picked tap that year.
10) In 12th grade a friend told me about Shoshannah Arts and I am forever grateful for that.
11) In elementary and middle school, if I went to a sleep over I never slept for fear of being pranks. I hate pranks.
12) I won several art contests in elementary school. I still enjoy art, but my skills never really advanced after age 11. ;)

Twelve seems like a good number to end on. Did you learn anything new about me? Want to share something about you? Pretty, pretty please!

FINALLY!!!

I can finally write a post. I couldn't sign in b/c I was using the wrong email address. How silly...and slightly embarrassing.
Well, it's been a really horrible few weeks. So many times I feel guilty for feeling down about who knows what, when there are people out there with real problems...like a co-worker with a daughter in the hospital, another family friend dealing with custody issues.  Those are definitely real issues and I've been praying for them.  Tonight, I just cracked and started crying and was like, "my problem is REAL too, why do I feel guilty?!" I do not choose to feel depressed and it angers me how heartless people can be. I CHOOSE to keep going, keep trying to live a "normal" life...and it's hard.  Some days aren't bad, but some are torturous.  God has been using my little girl in a big way that she'll probably never realize. I don't pray for my life to be taken anymore b/c I don't want to leave her motherless. I have to keep going. I am so thankful for the moments of honest joy in my life and I have been talking through those memories in the dark times -like now- to help get through.  Sometimes that means forcing myself to go to an event (like church or a ladies meeting) or just going over choreography for a class when I feel like all joy has been completely robbed from me.  Earlier today I looked up info. on a Christian therapists and started crying again b/c of the rates. When will I get better? When will God heal me?!! I don't know, I know you don't know. I just need to vent.