Some stuff

Okay, I read a blog today that was "10 facts about me" and felt inspired to write a post.  Mine won't be so playful and fun, but I will do my best to throw some positives in the mix.  You know, since I've suffered from depression, often times I will think back and try to make connections or see where it may have stemmed from and I've come to realize that my childhood was not the best.  It defnitely wasn't the worst either. I have parents who are married and love me, but due to some crappy life circumstances, they were not able to do all they wanted for us and give us the time that (I think they wanted) we wanted.  They did try.  They were always at dance recitals and church musicals which is awesome. I'm thankful for that.

1) I have always felt like the black sheep of my siblings. I am feeling closer to my sisters though as we get older.
2) I have always had issues with rejection. When I auditioned for a solo in 5th grade I choked...finally got through it and did get a solo. I did fine when parts were given to me, it was something about the try out or audition though that got to me. ....3) On the same note, I auditioned for a part at Alhambra about 2 years ago and bombed it.  I was so embarrassed I still tear up from pain when I see their commercials or pass the building.
4) I don't like to try things unless I know I can be successful.
5) With that being said, I walked on to the crew team in college anyway b/c I really wanted it. I did okay, but I think I was the only returning rower the next year that didn't get some sort of scholarship. I felt like my hard work was taken for granted.  I even rowed for a girl after school was out so that particular boat could practice for regionals while one rower was out of town. I got one free meal and just the enjoyment of rowing and being part of a team as my payment. I really did love being on the team.
6) My brother used to pay my sister and I to smell his nasty sneakers. We did it.
7) I rode my first roller coaster on a safety patrol trip. It was at Busch Gardens Williamsburg- The Big Bad Wolf. I absolutely loved it. I still love them, but now I have to take motion sickness medicine before going to theme parks.
8) When I was in 7th grade I played the handbells at church and was also part of the puppeteer team.
9) In 11th grade I worked as much as I could so that I could take dance along with pay for things like gas and was only able to afford ONE class. I picked tap that year.
10) In 12th grade a friend told me about Shoshannah Arts and I am forever grateful for that.
11) In elementary and middle school, if I went to a sleep over I never slept for fear of being pranks. I hate pranks.
12) I won several art contests in elementary school. I still enjoy art, but my skills never really advanced after age 11. ;)

Twelve seems like a good number to end on. Did you learn anything new about me? Want to share something about you? Pretty, pretty please!

FINALLY!!!

I can finally write a post. I couldn't sign in b/c I was using the wrong email address. How silly...and slightly embarrassing.
Well, it's been a really horrible few weeks. So many times I feel guilty for feeling down about who knows what, when there are people out there with real problems...like a co-worker with a daughter in the hospital, another family friend dealing with custody issues.  Those are definitely real issues and I've been praying for them.  Tonight, I just cracked and started crying and was like, "my problem is REAL too, why do I feel guilty?!" I do not choose to feel depressed and it angers me how heartless people can be. I CHOOSE to keep going, keep trying to live a "normal" life...and it's hard.  Some days aren't bad, but some are torturous.  God has been using my little girl in a big way that she'll probably never realize. I don't pray for my life to be taken anymore b/c I don't want to leave her motherless. I have to keep going. I am so thankful for the moments of honest joy in my life and I have been talking through those memories in the dark times -like now- to help get through.  Sometimes that means forcing myself to go to an event (like church or a ladies meeting) or just going over choreography for a class when I feel like all joy has been completely robbed from me.  Earlier today I looked up info. on a Christian therapists and started crying again b/c of the rates. When will I get better? When will God heal me?!! I don't know, I know you don't know. I just need to vent.