Tuesday, April 10, 2012


Man, I am feeling so ansy right now. When I get like this, I freak out and then just want to sleep b/c I don't know what to do- feeling so overwhelmed! Yeep!

Brad is graduating in 17 days...that is really soon! I thought I would be ecstatic about this, but I am not. I am flippin' out. 17 days and the VA school money stops- we've lived off that for 5 years...scary. For a couple months he's had people telling him they want him- his current boss, the head of another engineering firm and then a couple that have expressed interest more than once. However...no written offers yet, just a lot of "we're trying to get them to let us hire another engineer" and things of that nature. He has gotten one call...from a firm he applied to in Jax. They called and said the Jax position was filled, then asked if he'd be interested in the same position in Austin, TX. He said yes b/c so far that's the closest thing to an offer he's gotten. So now, we wait...and I freak. I will probably be procrastinating everything and crying at random times throughout the next few weeks b/c my mind and body don't handle "unknowns" well. I am praying that this gets worked out soon and am trying to "cast all my cares on Him." Honestly though, I'm not good at that. I worry. I get anxious. I cry.

Monday, April 2, 2012

I love my life!....not really.

Man, what a whirlwind of weeks it has been. I feel so weak and have felt so defeated. I told my husband I was ready to fall asleep and never wake up last night. I know he hates hearing me say things like that and I hate that they hurt him, but I don't want to hold all the bad inside either.

I have to be more careful about what I type b/c I know many people don't read this, but I know some mosey over here every once in a while and I don't want to create more tension and heartache right now so here I go, being super vague.

Brad has been incredibly busy recently. Late nights at work. Our of town for school stuff. Well, I've hated it. I cannot plan anything which is a big deal for me. Chaos and not knowing what's going on are big depression triggers for me. I've actually for the first time since we were married in Feb. 2007, thought that marriage was hard- really hard. Just one more reason to plead with Jesus about taking me home. Ugh, makes me feel like such a horrible person, wife and mother.

The little things that really are not life changers have gotten into my head- bad. Brad being gone, not getting paid correctly at work (I love what I do, but I also sub for people like crazy b/c we need the money and with gas as high as it is, I need to be paid for those classes!), Brad's car breaking down (today is day 4 stuck at home), to being generally annoyed with loved ones (here's where I must stay vague and short). I don't want answers (unless you have a guaranteed to work one, please share), I just want to vent b/c I mad...and sad, and frustrated, confused, yada yada.

I did however hang with Brad, my sister G and brother in law recently and that was wonderful. I forgot about all my "troubles" during that time. Plus, it was so nice to talk about family issues with people who understood. It wasn't all about me and it was a nice break. That is one of my least favorite things about depression (well really, it all sucks)...you really are wrapped up in yourself. Horrible. I don't want to live like this.

I did get another prescription to help with my damaged inner left ear and misperception in the brain (supposedly why I get migraines) that should also help with sleep and anxiety- bonus! Don't know if I'll ever get to try it though b/c I just can't pay full price for a prescription right now, especially after paying OVER $800 just to get the script. That erks me a little, can you tell?