Wednesday, May 25, 2011


If you've read my previous posts, you may remember that I said I was not going to mention others in this blog.  Well, I meant in a negative way.  I am going to name drop here, but it's all good stuff. :)

"True friendship is like sound health; the value of it is seldom known until it be lost." 
- Charles Caleb Colton

The above quote is so true to me.  Friendship is something I have missed so much in the last couple years. Before grown up stuff (not to mention, depression) kicked in, friendships had so much time to bloom and stay strong.  I got the wonderful chance to hang out with two of my best friends, Megan and Bonnie recently and was reminded of "the good ol' days." I knew I missed them being around, but I didn't realize how much. They are both in school now, one in a different state so seeing them is a special occasion.  Not counting Brad (b/c he is the best friend I've ever had and probably ever will have), next to Megan and Bonnie, I don't have any close friends in Jax.  This makes me so sad.  Part of it is my fault I realize, but part not so much. I have several people that I call friend who would probably call me the same, but the closeness is not there.  There is one person that I knew when I met her, I wanted to be her friend (in a non-creepy way). This is one relationship where I stepped out of my comfort zone to make it happen and it just didn't.  We are friends, but not like I hoped. Sometimes, I reflect on our friendship and get so frustrated.  I start to wonder what's wrong with me. Why has she always been too busy for friends until so and so came along? I don't have any ill feelings towards her, more like jealousy I guess. I have cherished our conversations and craved for more. 

Today gave me some hope in this area and I'm praying I haven't set myself up for disappointment.  I went and met with some ladies from my church who meet weekly for lunch and a short, casual discussion and just sharing life together. I loved it. I am so glad I went. Honestly, I almost didn't go b/c I was upset that I hadn't been invited all along.  I felt left out- again.  Getting past those silly thoughts and just going wasn't an easy step for me so I am proud of myself. 

This is one of the many areas that I hope to improve on this year.  I say this year instead of "in the future" to make myself really try to open up. It's less vague. Friends aren't just the whipped cream on top, they are what makes the dessert so awesome.  Cherish all your friends, old and new. 

Friday, May 20, 2011

Money, Money, Money, Money....Moooonnnney!

Alright, before I get started if you did not sing the above title, please pause and sing it and then continue.
Can I just say something about money and people?!  I think money turns some otherwise very intelligent people stupid.
Currently, Brad works part time (some weeks, full-yay!) and is a full time student.  I stay home with Lydia and teach part time at the Y.  Our income right now is low, but we're just fine.  People should not feel bad for us.  When we skip going out to dinner with everyone, it's our choice.  We may have the cash on hand, but just because you have it does not mean you should spend it.  We would love to retire someday and enjoy traveling, doing more mission work and what not.  You can't do those things if you don't save $. Pay yourself first.  If you don't know what that means, think on it and if you still don't get it- ask! If you looked at our tax return from last year, you would probably cry and shake your head wondering how we don't live in a cardboard box.  We may get scoffed at, but we smile knowing that we are 100% debt free and that we have $ to live off of should something happen.  That to us, feels much better than having the best stuff and going out all the time with a big money monkey on our backs.  We don't have some crazy money secret or anything.  We just use the common sense of...don't buy it if you can't pay cash. Cars, new furniture, all that stuff.  When we buy a house someday, we will probably get a loan and have debt there, I admit. We will not however, say hey, we're going into debt anyway let's make it worth it with a really expensive house. That is dumb.
If you have been wanting to tighten the belt a bit when it comes to finances.  You should check out Dave Ramsey.  Podcasts, books, whatever.  He is a godly man who practices what the Bible says.  No get rich quick schemes, just common sense and the good book.

Tuesday, May 17, 2011

Mommy woes

I have to say, I love being able to teach exercise classes and taking Lydia to the childcare center (name protected, hehe).  I know she has fun playing with the different toys and exploring and I know the ladies love her. Most of them have known her since she was six weeks old.  It just gets under my skin though when they bring something up and make me feel like a bad mom. 
Lydia goes through teething least from what I've some to recognize. Her bottom gets very irritated for days leading up to cutting a tooth. I can slather all the diaper rash cream on her we've got and change her diaper very frequently (and I do!), and the rash will remain until that darn tooth comes in. After that, the rash clears up in no time. I hate that every time I pick her up they ask about the rash like I'm not doing anything about it. I got to explain this to one of the ladies the other day and she understood.  It was nice that she just listened and didn't try to tell me how I'm not doing something right.  Sigh... I am just praying her teeth come in in groups so this doesn't drag out.  I know I'm not a bad mom, I just can't help but think that I'm being perceived as one.  I shouldn't care so much about what others think, but I do.  It's the people pleaser in me. For now, it is what it is. 

Sunday, May 15, 2011

Good Sunday

Ahhh, today has been a breath of fresh air so far. This morning, we strapped Lydia into the jogging stroller and went for a 5 mile run as a family.  With Brad there to push me, we were able to keep a below 10 min/mile pace. I love running as a family.

After our run, we all cleaned up and headed to church. It was a wonderfully simple, yet meaningful message.  It was about priorities.  I have gotten better with mine...I think Lydia is partially to thank for that, but I know I still have a ways to go. Back to Lydia though...I don't think you can ever realize how selfish you truly are until you have a child. I am now reminded of this constantly. I think parenting makes us a better person.  Speaking of priorities though, my awesome husband just made me lunch so I've got to do the right thing and get off of here!!

Friday, May 13, 2011

Some more of the scoop

So today was one of those days...whatever that means. If you took the time to read the last post, this one is kind of a deeper dive.

Today, while in the car with my family, I had one of my many driving anxiety moments. I could tell that it frustrated my husband b/c my gasps make him hesitate. If you know my husband, you know he is the sweetest human being alive, so when I know he is frustrated, my heart is heavy and I immediately climb into my depression shell. I don't know if driving anxiety and depression are related, but I do know that they are a painful combination that just feed off each other is the ugliest way.

I have struggled much more with little things since the depression first hit. I have noticed a huge improvement, but still have a hard time with many things such as...calling people. Yep, even the doctor to make an appt. My heart races and if at all possible, I wait for Brad to do the calling (or answering!).  Little things that most people don't think twice about, cause me so much stress. If I try to bring it up casually, I get brushed off, which cuts deep, so I fake my way through a lot of social encounters.  This has caused me a lot of loneliness as well.  It's like a spiraling of dark events. Ugh, I'm shuddering just thinking of how to get what I want to say across. I don't know if I really can.

Okay, I'm done. I can't type this.

Wednesday, May 11, 2011

Some of the scoop

Okay, I really need to get this out.  A little history of me and why I am am the way I am sometimes.

Most people don't know this about me and some will probably find it hard to believe, but I have suffered and struggled with depression for almost 3 years now.  As I look back on my life I can see little things that may have attributed to this, but I cannot pin point anything...until 3  years ago.  I was working at Chick-Fil-A and hating it.  I was so ashamed and felt like I hadn't made anything of my life (and college degree). I felt like people were judging me, especially those who knew me in highschool. I saw an ad for a dance teacher position with a Christian company on craigslist and jumped on it. I met with the director and we just clicked. It seemed we were both so excited to meet eachother. I was so relieved that I would be able to quit CFA. About two weeks after we met, she called me and let me know that she wouldn't be needing an additional teacher after all. I was crushed...and that is a major understatement. I fell into a scary depression for two weeks. Brad was worried and even contacted a therapist who told him it sounded like I had situational depression and that I needed to be the one who wanted help or no progress could be made. I was so ashamed- again. How could I be depressed? I am a daughter of the King of Kings and have never been hungry or in real need! This was so difficult to swallow. Since then I have had really, really dark days and some pretty good ones too. I have hurt myself physically and prayed that Jesus would take me in my sleep. When I started going to the Y (and eventually working there), I was doing better, but still had dark days. When I got pregnant with Lydia, I was the happiest I'd been in years. I had a true sense of purpose (which I'd never had previously) and felt joy again. I thought that this curse had been lifted...until she was about 3 months old. The depression returned with a vengeance. One small thing got under my skin and I was a mess for a few days. I would probably say they were my worst days yet. I would just cry and yell that I didn't want to do life anymore. I was and am so thankful for Brad and Lydia helping me through that time. I no longer pray for Jesus to take my life b/c I have hope that I will get better and I want to be there for my little princess. I hope someday that I will be healed from this completely and be able to speak with others about it publicly in hopes of helping someone else. I'm not there yet. I'm still embarrassed about it and start to cry when I want to bring it up, but my hope is there.

I hope this post will help you understand me a little better. :D

Sunday, May 8, 2011

Blog Dilemma

Hmmm. I really love the idea of blogging because I feel like it will be a great way for me to get that feeling of being heard, yet avoid the feeling that people may see me as negative all the time. With the blog, you can come and read if you wish, but it's not right in your face and I'm not sitting you down and forcing you to listen to my "problems."
I've realized though, that it might be tricky. Sometimes the things that I want to express involve other people...and who knows, those people may want to read my blog. I don't want to hurt anyone's feelings or step on any toes. I really wanted this to be about my "issues," not about other peoples. That's their own thing.
With that said, I'm afraid this blog will not be as transparent as I had originally hoped. It will be when it comes to me, but I will spare others. :)

Monday, May 2, 2011


I just want get this out. I know, I'm just complaining and there are bigger fish to fry, yada yada, but that's why I'm blogging yo!

Anyway, it irks me so much when you compliment someone (face to face, facebook, whatever) and they say something like, "Oh I know!" Really? If you don't know how to handle a compliment...face to face, just say "thank you," on fb, just don't reply and it will be forgotten anyway.  Example of what not to reply:

Person A: "Wow, great skirt. Very flattering!"
Person B: "I look good in everything."
Person A: seriously?

I for one hate when someone says something nice to me or something exciting about what's going on with them and I don't say anything about it. I try to unless it doesn't dawn on me until after the fact. I'm too caught up with what I was talking about sometimes, but I definitely try to hold any vain remarks back. They are so unflattering... on anyone.

Sunday, May 1, 2011

Post #1 <--- Creativity at its finest!

Hello world! I have been wanting to blog for sometime now, but am just lazy. It's the truth. Like even now, I just want to stop typing and go sit and eat ice cream, but I will persevere. Haha.

Today, I was reminded of how much I hate losing. I am a quiet competitor. If I don't know that I will win in something, often times I just won't bother. It is rather ugly.  Losing or even just poor performance get me down and depending on what (say bowling or trivia, etc), it sometimes throws me into a depression pit. I really hope to be free of this someday. I pray often for it, but honestly sometimes I know there is no faith there to back up my requests. I also pray for more faith. In church this morning, one of pastors spoke of how the real "biggest losers" in life are those who lose their souls. We had the opportunity to just stop and pray...not for ourselves or anything, but just to bless the Lord and praise his name. It was a beautiful experience that humbled me and got my blood boiling in a good way. I have chosen to follow the Lord and I need that to show through my actions. I am so selfish, it is gross. I want to be better. I will keep you posted on this. Hopefully soon, I will have a report of how I am striving towards this.