Posting Hiatus

Have you been wondering why I haven't posted in a little bit?....Aw, that's so sweet of you- hahaha! Okay so, you probably haven't and that's fine. I have really wanted to- like every day for the last week!, but I feel like poop among other things which makes putting your thoughts together collectively and coherently rather difficult. Bummer. A new post will appear in the future, I just don't know when.

Is it possible to feel overwhelmed and at peace at the same time?

Whoa man, do I feel some craziness going on inside of me right now.  I've been wanting to blog for days, but I have felt like death so I chose to relax or at least try to. Of course, putting it off only makes my mind feel cluttered with what I wanted to blog about. It's a big jumbled mess up there...the kind you need nails for...to help get all the knots out.  It's such a strange feeling. Like, really really strange. I feel happy, yet when I start to truly think about things, I feel mad, frustrated, confused, anxious, blah blah blah.

Let me just say that having a continual burning sensation in your shoulders, pain in your knee, horrible migraines and the flu all at once is no party. It makes me think the worst in some things like, "I'm going to blow up and be the size of a blimp," and other stupid thoughts. For real though, I've gained six pounds in two weeks. I'm not sure where I was going with that...maybe we'll revisit it later.

I am excited though about Advocare. I just bacame a distributor and am looking forward to growing with advocare.  Check out http://www.advocare.com/1109159. <---- Shameless plug.

Anyway, I am just feeling bad for lack of a better word, about always being sick, teaching less, losing our health insurance, baby planning, and I'm sure there's more I can't think of off the top of my head.  Plus, Brad is home now, so I am distracted and want to get off the computer. :)  Despite all this though, I have that inner joy and knowledge that things will be okay. Praise God!

"Be thankful for what you have." "God has something better for you, be patient." These are things that I am repeating to myself today.  Trying to get them to stick so they aren't just in my head, but also in my heart.
I have had shoulder pain (especially in my right shoulder) for over eight months now. I have been to the physical therepist and have done some exercises, but the pain is persistant.  Pretty much the only thing that makes it feel like it's gone is to not use it at all.  Not only do I think that would make it worse, it's just impossible right now with a small child. I use my shoulders all the time with her.  Just over the last couple of weeks, I've also started to have pain in my right knee.  Initially I thought I must have twisted it in my sleep or something, b/c it seemed to come out of nowhere and the pain was mild.  Well, the pain is no longer mild and has me concerned.  I make $ (little as it is, it is a huge help to my family right now) exercising!  Exercise is not only my job, but my joy and oftentimes emotional well being. I would be crushed if I couldn't teach.  Not only b/c I would miss the teaching, but b/c if I don't teach at the Y, I don't go...b/c I would lose membership and I cannot afford to pay for membership. I am trying to be calm and to take care of myself, but all the "what if's" build up and get me anxious.  My body feels like it's falling apart and that makes me a little angry to be honest.  I work hard and as best as I know how, I work safely.  I try to rest when I feel my body needs it. I don't fill my body with a bunch of junk. It's just not fair, and in this case not fair stinks. (In some cases, I am so glad things are not fair- like salvation). The last time I was majorly injured was when I badly hurt my back. I went from 127 lbs. to 150 lbs. in a matter of months.  I have the type of body that clings to fat for dear life. I hate that. I am worried about all of this making my depression worse, about being completely broke, about gaining weight (also depressing for me), about losing acquaintances who I really wish were dear friends. Bleh. I need a punching bag to let out my distress, but oh wait, I can't punch b/c of the pain in my shoulders.  Agghhhh!

Redundancy

Ugh! Blah! Why can't I just feel physically well? So frustrating...I don't wish for some horrid disease or cancer, but man, a diagnosis of some sort would definitely be a relief and an answered prayer.  (Just pray extra that it's not ebola or rabies-ha). Seriously though, my opinion of doctors is not positive right now.  I keep using my time and (little that I have) money, and getting nowhere. My dad was told for years that he was healthy b/c all his vitals were always avg. or above. Now, the list of what he doesn't have physically wrong with him would be shorter than the list for what he does have.  That shouldn't be! I pray for relief and answers. Feeling "sick" daily, even hourly as some days go, really puts a damper on the normal day to day stuff.  A full time job, ha- they would fire me for taking too many sick days. I'm tired of it. If I didn't have such a bad headache, I'd probably be angry too, but I know that would make the headache worse so I am trying to stay calm.