Wow, that title is definitely feeding the "me monster." I don't know if I'm going to stay true that title though. We'll see, I just have some stuff on my mind.
I'll start with something positive. Today I had a conversation with someone I've "known" for over two years. It was our first ever sit down and talk conversation and it was awesome. I opened myself up to her (not as much as she did to me, but I was trying) and I did not cry. I thought I would, but then I switched directions a bit and we continued our conversation. It put me in a good mood which I am so grateful for. I did not even take a nap today despite my normal afternoon torturous headache that hit. Partially I think that is from the positive energy (not in a weird, zen way) and b/c my body is really reacting well to spark. I didn't notice it the first couple times I used it, a lot of people do, but my body can be cruel to me and sometimes I don't notice anything b/c of the distracting headaches. I was productive today and that always makes me feel good and lifts my spirits. I even cleaned the inside of the microwave- HELLO!
Speaking of lifted spirits, I have not taken my antidepressants in probably two weeks. I know, that's probably not good, but so far it's been okay. :) I have had rollercoaster emotions, but not the big coasters with the huge drops, more like the kiddie coasters that my niece, Kendall, who is three, could ride. And I feel like I need to further justify this...I stopped taking them b/c my migraine disorder has been very bad recently and I was also suffering from extreme dizziness and dizziness is a med. side effect. I have been less dizzy since I stopped taking my med. The headaches are still bad, but it is more manageable without the dizziness. I also was thinking I need to see how it would be off them b/c if Brad and I wanted another baby, I would have to stop taking them anyway. Well, we had both felt a peace about having another child and were getting excited, but now I don't know if that is going to happen- at least not in the near future. :( I don't know how to word this without completely babbling (stop laughing), but we are in an insurance rut. We're losing ours VERY soon and I am currently in physical therapy and probably need knee surgery and when (if we can) get new insurance, they will not pay towards those things for 12 months b/c they are a pre-existing condition. I don't know what the pregnancy policy would be. I think it's different for different companies. We could probably get medicaid, but I would have to switch my doctors, Lydia's doctor and the most painful- have to deal with government services and feel like everyone is judging me. I am pretty tired of being one of those people that has to receive all the time. It really IS better to give than to receive, so if you are in the position to give to others, count your blessings. Okay, bit of a tangent there, sorry. I feel very blessed too, just so we're straight. :)
Brad's school. Ugh. I have not disliked school more and I'm not even in it!! He is a senior and they have him doing dumb, group projects that have nothing to do with his major. I never know if I am going to see him b/c he always has to work with his different groups. Today I *thought* he would be home by 4:30 and was getting really excited...yeah, he got home at 7:30 and has been in his office doing hw ever since. If you couldn't tell, I miss him. This has been the semester from Hades. May, please come soon!!!
Anyway, with all the above mentioned stuff mentioned...(did you follow that?), you can probably understand that I may NEED to get a job. I've been looking for a while, but unfortunately the skills I have don't really help me when it comes to getting a job that can help support our family right now- including childcare. I feel like this is a huge test of faith and I am really trying to trust. I am. It's hard though. I'm sure this period of our lives will make us stronger and makes us more appreciative of the future (and hopefully stability).
Whew, that may be all I've got in me right now. I'm kind of proud of myself. That's a lot for me!! Maybe it's still the spark. Haha.
Title typo...should say *understood. How did I miss that?!
ReplyDelete