"Be thankful for what you have." "God has something better for you, be patient." These are things that I am repeating to myself today.  Trying to get them to stick so they aren't just in my head, but also in my heart.
I have had shoulder pain (especially in my right shoulder) for over eight months now. I have been to the physical therepist and have done some exercises, but the pain is persistant.  Pretty much the only thing that makes it feel like it's gone is to not use it at all.  Not only do I think that would make it worse, it's just impossible right now with a small child. I use my shoulders all the time with her.  Just over the last couple of weeks, I've also started to have pain in my right knee.  Initially I thought I must have twisted it in my sleep or something, b/c it seemed to come out of nowhere and the pain was mild.  Well, the pain is no longer mild and has me concerned.  I make $ (little as it is, it is a huge help to my family right now) exercising!  Exercise is not only my job, but my joy and oftentimes emotional well being. I would be crushed if I couldn't teach.  Not only b/c I would miss the teaching, but b/c if I don't teach at the Y, I don't go...b/c I would lose membership and I cannot afford to pay for membership. I am trying to be calm and to take care of myself, but all the "what if's" build up and get me anxious.  My body feels like it's falling apart and that makes me a little angry to be honest.  I work hard and as best as I know how, I work safely.  I try to rest when I feel my body needs it. I don't fill my body with a bunch of junk. It's just not fair, and in this case not fair stinks. (In some cases, I am so glad things are not fair- like salvation). The last time I was majorly injured was when I badly hurt my back. I went from 127 lbs. to 150 lbs. in a matter of months.  I have the type of body that clings to fat for dear life. I hate that. I am worried about all of this making my depression worse, about being completely broke, about gaining weight (also depressing for me), about losing acquaintances who I really wish were dear friends. Bleh. I need a punching bag to let out my distress, but oh wait, I can't punch b/c of the pain in my shoulders.  Agghhhh!

Redundancy

Ugh! Blah! Why can't I just feel physically well? So frustrating...I don't wish for some horrid disease or cancer, but man, a diagnosis of some sort would definitely be a relief and an answered prayer.  (Just pray extra that it's not ebola or rabies-ha). Seriously though, my opinion of doctors is not positive right now.  I keep using my time and (little that I have) money, and getting nowhere. My dad was told for years that he was healthy b/c all his vitals were always avg. or above. Now, the list of what he doesn't have physically wrong with him would be shorter than the list for what he does have.  That shouldn't be! I pray for relief and answers. Feeling "sick" daily, even hourly as some days go, really puts a damper on the normal day to day stuff.  A full time job, ha- they would fire me for taking too many sick days. I'm tired of it. If I didn't have such a bad headache, I'd probably be angry too, but I know that would make the headache worse so I am trying to stay calm.

Early Preparation?

I sort of feel like my heart's ties are shifting a little bit, like maybe God is working on me slowly so I won't totally flip out if we do indeed move when Brad graduates.  A couple of things got me to thinking this way. 1) We visited some friends who used to live in Jax, but now live in AL.  I couldn't believe how comfortable I felt in their home and how much my heart ached when it was time to leave.  That is not like me. It's been a week and I still miss them like crazy and want to go back- again, not like me. 2) Many of my fellow instructors and friends went to TX this weekend for an amazing quarterly with the big dawgs of New Zealand (where the programs I teach are created).  I wanted to go, but didn't want to dish out the money from savings.  In most cases, I would be bummed, especially seeing the constant fb updates and pictures.  This time around, I don't feel like I'm missing out. I'm totally fine. I had a great morning teaching classes and a wonderful day with my family. Now, when they all come back with inside jokes I may feel a little left out, but that shouldn't be too bad.
I don't know if what I'm thinking is true at all of course, but at least it's positive. I'm sticking with it for that reason...the flip side is not pretty. Just not caring and so on.

I DO love God!

Strange title, right? Well, I've been going back and forth about this blog...it was intended as a way for me to "get things out" without being a Debbie Downer to everyone, but even on here I don't want to be seen that way.  I have wonderful hope in me b/c I have been saved by grace through faith in Jesus Christ and he lives in me!! So I decided that hey, it's my blog, I can go back and forth with it and write whatever I want to!! :D
Okay, back to the title.  Recently, I was at a women's bible study and we were watching a Beth Moore message about things that hold us back. She mentioned that for a lot us, we may *think* we love God, but if we look at how we think about and treat others that we love, God just doesn't match up.  Really gets you thinking.  Now, I will admit that I have a long way to go in my love relationship with the Lord, but I know it's there.  He is always on my mind, and I speak to Him constantly.  Not as great at listening constantly, but I'm a work in progress.  I think dealing with depression has definitely deepened my love for the Lord, b/c He alone, has given me hope in my darkest moments. People definitely help and I am so grateful for the wonderful people in my life, but ultimately, it is God who pulls me up when I've hit rock bottom.  When I think about this, I can't help but smile. The Lord is my hope and my salvation! Praise be to God!

Trying to trust here!

Ahhh sigh...this has been a day. I have felt sick for weeks now- though mildly at the moment, it was BAD at one point, and I am so tired.  I slept maybe three hours last night and I am feeling it. I've had horrible headaches all week. I think the headaches though might be b/c I did not take my medicine for three days. I didn't take it b/c I didn't want to run to Publix just for my prescription.  I like to do errands in groups...to save time and gas.  Well, I thought a couple medicine free days wouldn't hurt, but the last few days of headache pain have sucked and last night and today have been tough emotionally.  It makes me very upset for multiple reasons.  Recently Brad and I have been talking about family planning and timing for adding another baby to the family. Well, I am already a sensitive mess when it comes to this subject, but now I am almost in tears.  I don't know, maybe we're supposed to be a happy family of three, and if that's what God wants for us, great...I just wish I felt some peace about it.  I can't take my medicine if I'm pregnant so it just worries me.  When I was pregnant with Lydia I was actually the happiest I've been in years and thought my depression was gone for good. I'm worried though, that if I get pregnant again, that might not be the case and I do not want 9 months of inner darkness along with the sickness and pains of pregnancy. That may just push me past my limit.  I am trying to see the positive in this. (Seeing positive ANYTHING while suffering from depression is super hard). What does God want to teach me through this and how amd I supposed to grow? I know that you can reach out to more hurting people when you've been hurting yourself, but how long do I have to hurt?  I'm in a much better place than I was two years ago...I actually do feel like my suffering will bring glory to my creator and savior which is very humbling, but it's still so hard.

Feeling Inhuman

Is inhuman a word?  I know "inhumane" is, but that's not what I'm feeling.  I'm just sulking in my husband's long work hours where I feel "trapped."  I love, LOVE Lydia to pieces, but when it is just me and her together for hours, I don't feel like a regular person. By the time Brad is home it is bed time for her so it's too late for us all to go do something together.  I'm talking anything big, I'm talking a quick trip to Publix or Chick-Fil-A to get an ice dream.  (Yes, I meant to type dream...that's what they call it). It is just mentally draining, not to mention physically, but I've already touched on that and don't want to get into it again.  I think sometimes it would be better if I would just accept the late hours, but I always have hope of him coming home early and then on those days it seems he comes home late and I am crushed.  Like today, I was so excited to hear the thunder and rain (and I really do not like storms, they scare me!), b/c I thought that he would be coming home early for sure (he works outside)...,but no, he came about 40 minutes later than usual. Sigh....Okay, go ahead and call the "Waaahhhambulance."

A Little Sumpin' Sumpin'

Well I suppose I could use this thing for updates not just venting...why not?! There have definitely been some hard times for me emotionally and mentally in the last month and I have wanted to blog about it.  Problem is, I usually think of what I want to blog about while I'm in the shower and then by the time I'm out and dried and settled, I forget. So, it goes unblogged which I guess is a good thing...if I forget that quick it can't be so bad right? ;)

I have also had some great times recently too. We had friends over at our house to celebrate the good news of a pregnancy. That was fun and I wasn't stressed! Yay! I just enjoyed the company...and the company was pretty great.  We even included a great friend who lives in Alabama. She was with us via skype!

In some not as happy news, but not depressing either...I am definitely in a bad eating funk.  Nothing crazy, I just "HAVE" to have certain sweet goodies all the time. It's not good. It makes me bounce around on the scale and that is not cool. I'm hoping to do some kind of body cleanse soon with Brad and hopefully that will help us out for a little while anyway.

Okay, question: Do you ever have dreams so real that you can't remember if they actually happened?  Well, I have been having a lot of those recently, all involving the same person. It's not a good thing.  They are almost all us getting into fights or me just getting disgusted with this person.  It makes me have ill feelings towards this person and they are just dreams! Ugh! What do I do about that? Any advice? :)

Um, I can't think of anything else to write about, so I'm out! Enjoy.