Some of the scoop

Okay, I really need to get this out.  A little history of me and why I am am the way I am sometimes.


Most people don't know this about me and some will probably find it hard to believe, but I have suffered and struggled with depression for almost 3 years now.  As I look back on my life I can see little things that may have attributed to this, but I cannot pin point anything...until 3  years ago.  I was working at Chick-Fil-A and hating it.  I was so ashamed and felt like I hadn't made anything of my life (and college degree). I felt like people were judging me, especially those who knew me in highschool. I saw an ad for a dance teacher position with a Christian company on craigslist and jumped on it. I met with the director and we just clicked. It seemed we were both so excited to meet eachother. I was so relieved that I would be able to quit CFA. About two weeks after we met, she called me and let me know that she wouldn't be needing an additional teacher after all. I was crushed...and that is a major understatement. I fell into a scary depression for two weeks. Brad was worried and even contacted a therapist who told him it sounded like I had situational depression and that I needed to be the one who wanted help or no progress could be made. I was so ashamed- again. How could I be depressed? I am a daughter of the King of Kings and have never been hungry or in real need! This was so difficult to swallow. Since then I have had really, really dark days and some pretty good ones too. I have hurt myself physically and prayed that Jesus would take me in my sleep. When I started going to the Y (and eventually working there), I was doing better, but still had dark days. When I got pregnant with Lydia, I was the happiest I'd been in years. I had a true sense of purpose (which I'd never had previously) and felt joy again. I thought that this curse had been lifted...until she was about 3 months old. The depression returned with a vengeance. One small thing got under my skin and I was a mess for a few days. I would probably say they were my worst days yet. I would just cry and yell that I didn't want to do life anymore. I was and am so thankful for Brad and Lydia helping me through that time. I no longer pray for Jesus to take my life b/c I have hope that I will get better and I want to be there for my little princess. I hope someday that I will be healed from this completely and be able to speak with others about it publicly in hopes of helping someone else. I'm not there yet. I'm still embarrassed about it and start to cry when I want to bring it up, but my hope is there.

I hope this post will help you understand me a little better. :D