Some stuff

Okay, I read a blog today that was "10 facts about me" and felt inspired to write a post.  Mine won't be so playful and fun, but I will do my best to throw some positives in the mix.  You know, since I've suffered from depression, often times I will think back and try to make connections or see where it may have stemmed from and I've come to realize that my childhood was not the best.  It defnitely wasn't the worst either. I have parents who are married and love me, but due to some crappy life circumstances, they were not able to do all they wanted for us and give us the time that (I think they wanted) we wanted.  They did try.  They were always at dance recitals and church musicals which is awesome. I'm thankful for that.

1) I have always felt like the black sheep of my siblings. I am feeling closer to my sisters though as we get older.
2) I have always had issues with rejection. When I auditioned for a solo in 5th grade I choked...finally got through it and did get a solo. I did fine when parts were given to me, it was something about the try out or audition though that got to me. ....3) On the same note, I auditioned for a part at Alhambra about 2 years ago and bombed it.  I was so embarrassed I still tear up from pain when I see their commercials or pass the building.
4) I don't like to try things unless I know I can be successful.
5) With that being said, I walked on to the crew team in college anyway b/c I really wanted it. I did okay, but I think I was the only returning rower the next year that didn't get some sort of scholarship. I felt like my hard work was taken for granted.  I even rowed for a girl after school was out so that particular boat could practice for regionals while one rower was out of town. I got one free meal and just the enjoyment of rowing and being part of a team as my payment. I really did love being on the team.
6) My brother used to pay my sister and I to smell his nasty sneakers. We did it.
7) I rode my first roller coaster on a safety patrol trip. It was at Busch Gardens Williamsburg- The Big Bad Wolf. I absolutely loved it. I still love them, but now I have to take motion sickness medicine before going to theme parks.
8) When I was in 7th grade I played the handbells at church and was also part of the puppeteer team.
9) In 11th grade I worked as much as I could so that I could take dance along with pay for things like gas and was only able to afford ONE class. I picked tap that year.
10) In 12th grade a friend told me about Shoshannah Arts and I am forever grateful for that.
11) In elementary and middle school, if I went to a sleep over I never slept for fear of being pranks. I hate pranks.
12) I won several art contests in elementary school. I still enjoy art, but my skills never really advanced after age 11. ;)

Twelve seems like a good number to end on. Did you learn anything new about me? Want to share something about you? Pretty, pretty please!

FINALLY!!!

I can finally write a post. I couldn't sign in b/c I was using the wrong email address. How silly...and slightly embarrassing.
Well, it's been a really horrible few weeks. So many times I feel guilty for feeling down about who knows what, when there are people out there with real problems...like a co-worker with a daughter in the hospital, another family friend dealing with custody issues.  Those are definitely real issues and I've been praying for them.  Tonight, I just cracked and started crying and was like, "my problem is REAL too, why do I feel guilty?!" I do not choose to feel depressed and it angers me how heartless people can be. I CHOOSE to keep going, keep trying to live a "normal" life...and it's hard.  Some days aren't bad, but some are torturous.  God has been using my little girl in a big way that she'll probably never realize. I don't pray for my life to be taken anymore b/c I don't want to leave her motherless. I have to keep going. I am so thankful for the moments of honest joy in my life and I have been talking through those memories in the dark times -like now- to help get through.  Sometimes that means forcing myself to go to an event (like church or a ladies meeting) or just going over choreography for a class when I feel like all joy has been completely robbed from me.  Earlier today I looked up info. on a Christian therapists and started crying again b/c of the rates. When will I get better? When will God heal me?!! I don't know, I know you don't know. I just need to vent.

Post Hiatus

Well, it's definitely been a rough month and since I was really trying to be more positive, I haven't been posting. Brad and I did have a nice break though last weekend. We went on a three day cruise that was much needed. We paid for it months ago, thank goodness and had fun with each other and other friends from the Y.

Stupid depression demon

Welp, I'm not feeling too great.  Though at least my feelings now are somewhat manageable and even slightly explainable...and all this with no meds. I hate that I feel guilty for just being me.  I feel expensive b/c of all of my medical bills and lack of income that I bring in. On top of that feeling, I can't physically do many jobs right now b/c of my injuries and I have no computer skills for a big girl job (which I would probably really dislike anyway so that's probably not a total bad thing). And why do people not want to hire weekend help? Ugh. Brad is so sweet and talked with me a lot today and did his best to reassure me that he has never had thoughts that I was "expensive" and that he really wants me to be home with Lydia even during this less than ideal financial time in our lives. I believe him completely, it's me that needs convincing. When I voice some of these things out loud I feel so foolish. They start to sound so petty. I don't want these negatives thoughts and emotions to rule my life. I want to be a person that others are happy to be around and a person that shows God's love and character through my love for other people.

Some things I wish everyone understood about me...

Wow, that title is definitely feeding the "me monster." I don't know if I'm going to stay true that title though. We'll see, I just have some stuff on my mind.

I'll start with something positive. Today I had a conversation with someone I've "known" for over two years.  It was our first ever sit down and talk conversation and it was awesome. I opened myself up to her (not as much as she did to me, but I was trying) and I did not cry. I thought I would, but then I switched directions a bit and we continued our conversation. It put me in a good mood which I am so grateful for. I did not even take a nap today despite my normal afternoon torturous headache that hit. Partially I think that is from the positive energy (not in a weird, zen way) and b/c my body is really reacting well to spark. I didn't notice it the first couple times I used it, a lot of people do, but my body can be cruel to me and sometimes I don't notice anything b/c of the distracting headaches. I was productive today and that always makes me feel good and lifts my spirits. I even cleaned the inside of the microwave- HELLO!

Speaking of lifted spirits, I have not taken my antidepressants in probably two weeks. I know, that's probably not good, but so far it's been okay. :) I have had rollercoaster emotions, but not the big coasters with the huge drops, more like the kiddie coasters that my niece, Kendall, who is three, could ride. And I feel like I need to further justify this...I stopped taking them b/c my migraine disorder has been very bad recently and I was also suffering from extreme dizziness and dizziness is a med. side effect. I have been less dizzy since I stopped taking my med. The headaches are still bad, but it is more manageable without the dizziness. I also was thinking I need to see how it would be off them b/c if Brad and I wanted another baby, I would have to stop taking them anyway.  Well, we had both felt a peace about having another child and were getting excited, but now I don't know if that is going to happen- at least not in the near future. :( I don't know how to word this without completely babbling (stop laughing), but we are in an insurance rut. We're losing ours VERY soon and I am currently in physical therapy and probably need knee surgery and when (if we can) get new insurance, they will not pay towards those things for 12 months b/c they are a pre-existing condition.  I don't know what the pregnancy policy would be. I think it's different for different companies. We could probably get medicaid, but I would have to switch my doctors, Lydia's doctor and the most painful- have to deal with government services and feel like everyone is judging me. I am pretty tired of being one of those people that has to receive all the time.  It really IS better to give than to receive, so if you are in the position to give to others, count your blessings.  Okay, bit of a tangent there, sorry.  I feel very blessed too, just so we're straight. :)

Brad's school. Ugh. I have not disliked school more and I'm not even in it!! He is a senior and they have him doing dumb, group projects that have nothing to do with his major. I never know if I am going to see him b/c he always has to work with his different groups. Today I *thought* he would be home by 4:30 and was getting really excited...yeah, he got home at 7:30 and has been in his office doing hw ever since. If you couldn't tell, I miss him. This has been the semester from Hades. May, please come soon!!!

Anyway, with all the above mentioned stuff mentioned...(did you follow that?), you can probably understand that I may NEED to get a job. I've been looking for  a while, but unfortunately the skills I have don't really help me when it comes to getting a job that can help support our family right now- including childcare.  I feel like this is a huge test of faith and I am really trying to trust. I am. It's hard though. I'm sure this period of our lives will make us stronger and makes us more appreciative of the future (and hopefully stability).

Whew, that may be all I've got in me right now. I'm kind of proud of myself. That's a lot for me!! Maybe it's still the spark. Haha.

Change for the better!

I want to be so consumed in my relationship with Jesus Christ and in living the life he intended for me to live that the problems and pains I go through pale in importance! I know it's okay to not like things and sometimes healthy to not be satisfied in some areas...and I will surely still have negative posts, but I want the positive stuff to be greater! God has blessed me with love here on earth and a love that I have now and will have forever. He has saved my soul!! How cool is that?!...I'll answer that, it's the coolest thing EVER!

What's gotten into me, eh? I just got home from seeing the movie "Courageous" and wow, that was like church fo' rizzle rizzle. I would normally say it is WAY past my bedtime, maybe I'll post later...but you know, never would. Well this time I had to. I should not hold back the great things in my life. I don't deserve them, but I am thankful for them.  I'm so glad that someone had the vision for "Courageous" and followed through with it. God is speaking through that movie.

Posting Hiatus

Have you been wondering why I haven't posted in a little bit?....Aw, that's so sweet of you- hahaha! Okay so, you probably haven't and that's fine. I have really wanted to- like every day for the last week!, but I feel like poop among other things which makes putting your thoughts together collectively and coherently rather difficult. Bummer. A new post will appear in the future, I just don't know when.

Is it possible to feel overwhelmed and at peace at the same time?

Whoa man, do I feel some craziness going on inside of me right now.  I've been wanting to blog for days, but I have felt like death so I chose to relax or at least try to. Of course, putting it off only makes my mind feel cluttered with what I wanted to blog about. It's a big jumbled mess up there...the kind you need nails for...to help get all the knots out.  It's such a strange feeling. Like, really really strange. I feel happy, yet when I start to truly think about things, I feel mad, frustrated, confused, anxious, blah blah blah.

Let me just say that having a continual burning sensation in your shoulders, pain in your knee, horrible migraines and the flu all at once is no party. It makes me think the worst in some things like, "I'm going to blow up and be the size of a blimp," and other stupid thoughts. For real though, I've gained six pounds in two weeks. I'm not sure where I was going with that...maybe we'll revisit it later.

I am excited though about Advocare. I just bacame a distributor and am looking forward to growing with advocare.  Check out http://www.advocare.com/1109159. <---- Shameless plug.

Anyway, I am just feeling bad for lack of a better word, about always being sick, teaching less, losing our health insurance, baby planning, and I'm sure there's more I can't think of off the top of my head.  Plus, Brad is home now, so I am distracted and want to get off the computer. :)  Despite all this though, I have that inner joy and knowledge that things will be okay. Praise God!

"Be thankful for what you have." "God has something better for you, be patient." These are things that I am repeating to myself today.  Trying to get them to stick so they aren't just in my head, but also in my heart.
I have had shoulder pain (especially in my right shoulder) for over eight months now. I have been to the physical therepist and have done some exercises, but the pain is persistant.  Pretty much the only thing that makes it feel like it's gone is to not use it at all.  Not only do I think that would make it worse, it's just impossible right now with a small child. I use my shoulders all the time with her.  Just over the last couple of weeks, I've also started to have pain in my right knee.  Initially I thought I must have twisted it in my sleep or something, b/c it seemed to come out of nowhere and the pain was mild.  Well, the pain is no longer mild and has me concerned.  I make $ (little as it is, it is a huge help to my family right now) exercising!  Exercise is not only my job, but my joy and oftentimes emotional well being. I would be crushed if I couldn't teach.  Not only b/c I would miss the teaching, but b/c if I don't teach at the Y, I don't go...b/c I would lose membership and I cannot afford to pay for membership. I am trying to be calm and to take care of myself, but all the "what if's" build up and get me anxious.  My body feels like it's falling apart and that makes me a little angry to be honest.  I work hard and as best as I know how, I work safely.  I try to rest when I feel my body needs it. I don't fill my body with a bunch of junk. It's just not fair, and in this case not fair stinks. (In some cases, I am so glad things are not fair- like salvation). The last time I was majorly injured was when I badly hurt my back. I went from 127 lbs. to 150 lbs. in a matter of months.  I have the type of body that clings to fat for dear life. I hate that. I am worried about all of this making my depression worse, about being completely broke, about gaining weight (also depressing for me), about losing acquaintances who I really wish were dear friends. Bleh. I need a punching bag to let out my distress, but oh wait, I can't punch b/c of the pain in my shoulders.  Agghhhh!

Redundancy

Ugh! Blah! Why can't I just feel physically well? So frustrating...I don't wish for some horrid disease or cancer, but man, a diagnosis of some sort would definitely be a relief and an answered prayer.  (Just pray extra that it's not ebola or rabies-ha). Seriously though, my opinion of doctors is not positive right now.  I keep using my time and (little that I have) money, and getting nowhere. My dad was told for years that he was healthy b/c all his vitals were always avg. or above. Now, the list of what he doesn't have physically wrong with him would be shorter than the list for what he does have.  That shouldn't be! I pray for relief and answers. Feeling "sick" daily, even hourly as some days go, really puts a damper on the normal day to day stuff.  A full time job, ha- they would fire me for taking too many sick days. I'm tired of it. If I didn't have such a bad headache, I'd probably be angry too, but I know that would make the headache worse so I am trying to stay calm.

Early Preparation?

I sort of feel like my heart's ties are shifting a little bit, like maybe God is working on me slowly so I won't totally flip out if we do indeed move when Brad graduates.  A couple of things got me to thinking this way. 1) We visited some friends who used to live in Jax, but now live in AL.  I couldn't believe how comfortable I felt in their home and how much my heart ached when it was time to leave.  That is not like me. It's been a week and I still miss them like crazy and want to go back- again, not like me. 2) Many of my fellow instructors and friends went to TX this weekend for an amazing quarterly with the big dawgs of New Zealand (where the programs I teach are created).  I wanted to go, but didn't want to dish out the money from savings.  In most cases, I would be bummed, especially seeing the constant fb updates and pictures.  This time around, I don't feel like I'm missing out. I'm totally fine. I had a great morning teaching classes and a wonderful day with my family. Now, when they all come back with inside jokes I may feel a little left out, but that shouldn't be too bad.
I don't know if what I'm thinking is true at all of course, but at least it's positive. I'm sticking with it for that reason...the flip side is not pretty. Just not caring and so on.

I DO love God!

Strange title, right? Well, I've been going back and forth about this blog...it was intended as a way for me to "get things out" without being a Debbie Downer to everyone, but even on here I don't want to be seen that way.  I have wonderful hope in me b/c I have been saved by grace through faith in Jesus Christ and he lives in me!! So I decided that hey, it's my blog, I can go back and forth with it and write whatever I want to!! :D
Okay, back to the title.  Recently, I was at a women's bible study and we were watching a Beth Moore message about things that hold us back. She mentioned that for a lot us, we may *think* we love God, but if we look at how we think about and treat others that we love, God just doesn't match up.  Really gets you thinking.  Now, I will admit that I have a long way to go in my love relationship with the Lord, but I know it's there.  He is always on my mind, and I speak to Him constantly.  Not as great at listening constantly, but I'm a work in progress.  I think dealing with depression has definitely deepened my love for the Lord, b/c He alone, has given me hope in my darkest moments. People definitely help and I am so grateful for the wonderful people in my life, but ultimately, it is God who pulls me up when I've hit rock bottom.  When I think about this, I can't help but smile. The Lord is my hope and my salvation! Praise be to God!

Trying to trust here!

Ahhh sigh...this has been a day. I have felt sick for weeks now- though mildly at the moment, it was BAD at one point, and I am so tired.  I slept maybe three hours last night and I am feeling it. I've had horrible headaches all week. I think the headaches though might be b/c I did not take my medicine for three days. I didn't take it b/c I didn't want to run to Publix just for my prescription.  I like to do errands in groups...to save time and gas.  Well, I thought a couple medicine free days wouldn't hurt, but the last few days of headache pain have sucked and last night and today have been tough emotionally.  It makes me very upset for multiple reasons.  Recently Brad and I have been talking about family planning and timing for adding another baby to the family. Well, I am already a sensitive mess when it comes to this subject, but now I am almost in tears.  I don't know, maybe we're supposed to be a happy family of three, and if that's what God wants for us, great...I just wish I felt some peace about it.  I can't take my medicine if I'm pregnant so it just worries me.  When I was pregnant with Lydia I was actually the happiest I've been in years and thought my depression was gone for good. I'm worried though, that if I get pregnant again, that might not be the case and I do not want 9 months of inner darkness along with the sickness and pains of pregnancy. That may just push me past my limit.  I am trying to see the positive in this. (Seeing positive ANYTHING while suffering from depression is super hard). What does God want to teach me through this and how amd I supposed to grow? I know that you can reach out to more hurting people when you've been hurting yourself, but how long do I have to hurt?  I'm in a much better place than I was two years ago...I actually do feel like my suffering will bring glory to my creator and savior which is very humbling, but it's still so hard.

Feeling Inhuman

Is inhuman a word?  I know "inhumane" is, but that's not what I'm feeling.  I'm just sulking in my husband's long work hours where I feel "trapped."  I love, LOVE Lydia to pieces, but when it is just me and her together for hours, I don't feel like a regular person. By the time Brad is home it is bed time for her so it's too late for us all to go do something together.  I'm talking anything big, I'm talking a quick trip to Publix or Chick-Fil-A to get an ice dream.  (Yes, I meant to type dream...that's what they call it). It is just mentally draining, not to mention physically, but I've already touched on that and don't want to get into it again.  I think sometimes it would be better if I would just accept the late hours, but I always have hope of him coming home early and then on those days it seems he comes home late and I am crushed.  Like today, I was so excited to hear the thunder and rain (and I really do not like storms, they scare me!), b/c I thought that he would be coming home early for sure (he works outside)...,but no, he came about 40 minutes later than usual. Sigh....Okay, go ahead and call the "Waaahhhambulance."

A Little Sumpin' Sumpin'

Well I suppose I could use this thing for updates not just venting...why not?! There have definitely been some hard times for me emotionally and mentally in the last month and I have wanted to blog about it.  Problem is, I usually think of what I want to blog about while I'm in the shower and then by the time I'm out and dried and settled, I forget. So, it goes unblogged which I guess is a good thing...if I forget that quick it can't be so bad right? ;)

I have also had some great times recently too. We had friends over at our house to celebrate the good news of a pregnancy. That was fun and I wasn't stressed! Yay! I just enjoyed the company...and the company was pretty great.  We even included a great friend who lives in Alabama. She was with us via skype!

In some not as happy news, but not depressing either...I am definitely in a bad eating funk.  Nothing crazy, I just "HAVE" to have certain sweet goodies all the time. It's not good. It makes me bounce around on the scale and that is not cool. I'm hoping to do some kind of body cleanse soon with Brad and hopefully that will help us out for a little while anyway.

Okay, question: Do you ever have dreams so real that you can't remember if they actually happened?  Well, I have been having a lot of those recently, all involving the same person. It's not a good thing.  They are almost all us getting into fights or me just getting disgusted with this person.  It makes me have ill feelings towards this person and they are just dreams! Ugh! What do I do about that? Any advice? :)

Um, I can't think of anything else to write about, so I'm out! Enjoy.

Discouraged

Not much of a post, just wanting to scream so this is the alternative.  Do you ever feel like you just suck at "woman-y" stuff? Guys, hush, that question was not for you. I just wish sometimes I was more domestic and that I enjoyed and was good at typically girly things. Ugh.  I don't think my meds are working today. I want to cry and punch things.

I'm so tired. Literally.

Ugh, where is this energy that I see around me?  I can muster it up when I have to teach (and boy do I love to teach my classes). At home though, wow, I feel like I can't get anything done.  Our home is neat (I would go crazy if it got too messy.  Messes bug me like whoa.), but it is not really clean.  Never is. I am not a deep cleaner. I don't have the energy to be. And let's go back to teaching classes. I have two weeks to learn three new releases and have watched them all a couple times, but just can't get myself in gear to do and learn them.  I get overwhelmed when I have to learn things on my own. I seriously am so tired all the time. I am not a crazy junk food eater and I am well hydrated and work out regularly. My body needs to cooperate and wake up!! I'm so tired of being so tired. Grrrr.  I not only feel like such a sloth, but like a horrible person. Why? Because I use my fatigue as a reason to not do so many things.  Brad and I have even talked about not having any more children b/c I get so worn out. Do you know how awful that makes me feel? Not to mention, how judged I feel by the people that we've mentioned it to. Oh, and I have had so much blood work done over the last 11 years, it is ridiculous.  I am the healthiest person you'll meet with all these "problems" that I have. Always inconclusive. Lovely.

What Matters?

Alright, this may get a little jumbled, so be warned and prepared. ;)
  I think by now it is safe to say that my new meds are indeed working.  I had an anxious day this week, that would've normally turned into a horrible day with some kind of meltdown in the mix.  That wasn't the case this time. Praise the Lord God Almighty!! He is good! I was frustrated, yes, but I just dealt with it and it turned out to be no big deal...and that right there IS a big deal!
  On to other news.  I facebook chatted today with an old friend. Why is that newsworthy? I'm glad you asked.   I have not done that in years.  In fact, I avoid things like that and I don't text- (but that's b/c I don't want to pay the extra charge).  I do care about the person I was chatting with and wanted to know what was going on with their life.  Why do I not make time to do that more often? Or at least write long emails to stay connected?  I know why I don't call people, I'm not going there today.  I know part of it is because I am selfish and want to sleep when Lydia sleeps. (PS- she sleeps at night, but I don't...well). Another part, is that I don't want to sound creepy or nosey. I think that is hard to avoid sometimes, although it may just be in my head.  I had a friend tell me in highschool that I was very nosey and she did not want to be my friend anymore.  I admit, I can be nosey, but I know that I'm much less nosey now and much more concerned for people.  In fact, I would say this person is much more nosey- so childish.  I really need to let that go.  Anyway, I was glad I chatted today and caught up. It warms my heart and now I know what I can pray for specifically for this person and that's pretty cool.
 

Things Are Good

  Hmmm, I have noticed that I have less desire to blog when things are going well.  I think it's because I don't feel ashamed to just say, "hey, things have been going great," when I honestly mean it.  I've been taking an antidepressant for a little over two weeks and that may be too short a time to tell if it is really working, but it has been a nice two weeks and for that I give thanks.  It has definitely made me tired though, which is something I'd really like to kick.  I feel like I need to get out there and really live life while I'm here on this earth, but most days I am just counting down until I can take a nap.
  Our family has also just started going to a new homegroup. I think I may have mentioned it before.  Anyway, it has been amazing!  Something we look forward to and get so much out of.  Just in three weeks time, I have seen emotional and spiritual growth in both myself and Brad...and Lydia is a rockstar and goes to sleep while we're there (at someone else's house!).
  I am very happy right now and it feels soooo good to say that.  There are lots of things to pray for and to worry about, but God is bigger than them all and He is King! Isn't that great?! I am going to spend more time this week in PRAISE. God deserves my praise and I want to please Him everyday.
  Have a great week!

Making A Difference

Alright, I am finally sitting down to post about something I was inspired to post Tuesday.  Lazy. Let's move forward.

If you didn't know, I teach group exercise classes at the YMCA. It is amazing. I get paid to work out and build relationships with people.  It has been a huge blessing in my life for two years now. I'm not always in the mood to workout or even be around people, but b/c I know people are counting on me, I go and my day is always better (most of the time). ;) This past Tuesday after teaching Sh'Bam (dance fitness), a woman came up to me and thanked me for my humor in class. She said that she was going through a really difficult time with her family and that it was therapy for her.  She never misses a class. She says she makes herself go b/c she knows she will always have a smile on her face and leave feeling better. Wow! That may not sound like much to you, but that spoke volumes to me. I can relate to her and she probably doesn't even know it. It is therapeutic for me during this hard time as well. I was so encouraged, I prayed and thanked God right then for using me in her life. I pray often for my classes and really desire to use them as a ministry tool. To hear that it is happening, even when I thought I could not be used at the time is amazing and humbling. I would pray, "God, heal me from this so I can use it for your glory," when really he can use me while I'm going through it.

A similar circumstance happened this past Friday evening. (Okay, God is really up to something now) :) My family and I went to a new home group through our church. They were working on testimonies and talking about how your testimony is different depending on who you are talking to. For instance, if I am sharing with someone at the gym, I may use an example of how God used exercise to give me strength, etc.  Anyway, we were writing down some key points that we would later share with eachother. I felt in my heart that the strongest testimony that I had and needed to share was how Christ has been a provider of hope even through dark depression. I got choked up, b/c I am still going through this and it is difficult to talk about.  Somehow in spite me and in spite of that, God used it. Right there in a room full of Christians. Praise God! I still pray for healing and to be able to speak comfortably about the issue of depression, but now I also pray for opportunities to share and let God use me now.

I just started taking an antidepressant and am praying for the best.  I am feeling most of the side effects, but hopefully in a couple weeks my body will adjust and I won't have them.  To have hope of freedom from this horrible disease is truly awesome.

Friendship

If you've read my previous posts, you may remember that I said I was not going to mention others in this blog.  Well, I meant in a negative way.  I am going to name drop here, but it's all good stuff. :)

"True friendship is like sound health; the value of it is seldom known until it be lost." 
- Charles Caleb Colton


The above quote is so true to me.  Friendship is something I have missed so much in the last couple years. Before grown up stuff (not to mention, depression) kicked in, friendships had so much time to bloom and stay strong.  I got the wonderful chance to hang out with two of my best friends, Megan and Bonnie recently and was reminded of "the good ol' days." I knew I missed them being around, but I didn't realize how much. They are both in school now, one in a different state so seeing them is a special occasion.  Not counting Brad (b/c he is the best friend I've ever had and probably ever will have), next to Megan and Bonnie, I don't have any close friends in Jax.  This makes me so sad.  Part of it is my fault I realize, but part not so much. I have several people that I call friend who would probably call me the same, but the closeness is not there.  There is one person that I knew when I met her, I wanted to be her friend (in a non-creepy way). This is one relationship where I stepped out of my comfort zone to make it happen and it just didn't.  We are friends, but not like I hoped. Sometimes, I reflect on our friendship and get so frustrated.  I start to wonder what's wrong with me. Why has she always been too busy for friends until so and so came along? I don't have any ill feelings towards her, more like jealousy I guess. I have cherished our conversations and craved for more. 


Today gave me some hope in this area and I'm praying I haven't set myself up for disappointment.  I went and met with some ladies from my church who meet weekly for lunch and a short, casual discussion and just sharing life together. I loved it. I am so glad I went. Honestly, I almost didn't go b/c I was upset that I hadn't been invited all along.  I felt left out- again.  Getting past those silly thoughts and just going wasn't an easy step for me so I am proud of myself. 


This is one of the many areas that I hope to improve on this year.  I say this year instead of "in the future" to make myself really try to open up. It's less vague. Friends aren't just the whipped cream on top, they are what makes the dessert so awesome.  Cherish all your friends, old and new. 

Money, Money, Money, Money....Moooonnnney!

Alright, before I get started if you did not sing the above title, please pause and sing it and then continue.
Can I just say something about money and people?!  I think money turns some otherwise very intelligent people stupid.
Currently, Brad works part time (some weeks, full-yay!) and is a full time student.  I stay home with Lydia and teach part time at the Y.  Our income right now is low, but we're just fine.  People should not feel bad for us.  When we skip going out to dinner with everyone, it's our choice.  We may have the cash on hand, but just because you have it does not mean you should spend it.  We would love to retire someday and enjoy traveling, doing more mission work and what not.  You can't do those things if you don't save $. Pay yourself first.  If you don't know what that means, think on it and if you still don't get it- ask! If you looked at our tax return from last year, you would probably cry and shake your head wondering how we don't live in a cardboard box.  We may get scoffed at, but we smile knowing that we are 100% debt free and that we have $ to live off of should something happen.  That to us, feels much better than having the best stuff and going out all the time with a big money monkey on our backs.  We don't have some crazy money secret or anything.  We just use the common sense of...don't buy it if you can't pay cash. Cars, new furniture, all that stuff.  When we buy a house someday, we will probably get a loan and have debt there, I admit. We will not however, say hey, we're going into debt anyway let's make it worth it with a really expensive house. That is dumb.
If you have been wanting to tighten the belt a bit when it comes to finances.  You should check out Dave Ramsey.  Podcasts, books, whatever.  He is a godly man who practices what the Bible says.  No get rich quick schemes, just common sense and the good book.

Mommy woes

I have to say, I love being able to teach exercise classes and taking Lydia to the childcare center (name protected, hehe).  I know she has fun playing with the different toys and exploring and I know the ladies love her. Most of them have known her since she was six weeks old.  It just gets under my skin though when they bring something up and make me feel like a bad mom. 

Lydia goes through teething cycles...at least from what I've some to recognize. Her bottom gets very irritated for days leading up to cutting a tooth. I can slather all the diaper rash cream on her we've got and change her diaper very frequently (and I do!), and the rash will remain until that darn tooth comes in. After that, the rash clears up in no time. I hate that every time I pick her up they ask about the rash like I'm not doing anything about it. I got to explain this to one of the ladies the other day and she understood.  It was nice that she just listened and didn't try to tell me how I'm not doing something right.  Sigh... I am just praying her teeth come in in groups so this doesn't drag out.  I know I'm not a bad mom, I just can't help but think that I'm being perceived as one.  I shouldn't care so much about what others think, but I do.  It's the people pleaser in me. For now, it is what it is. 

Good Sunday

Ahhh, today has been a breath of fresh air so far. This morning, we strapped Lydia into the jogging stroller and went for a 5 mile run as a family.  With Brad there to push me, we were able to keep a below 10 min/mile pace. I love running as a family.

After our run, we all cleaned up and headed to church. It was a wonderfully simple, yet meaningful message.  It was about priorities.  I have gotten better with mine...I think Lydia is partially to thank for that, but I know I still have a ways to go. Back to Lydia though...I don't think you can ever realize how selfish you truly are until you have a child. I am now reminded of this constantly. I think parenting makes us a better person.  Speaking of priorities though, my awesome husband just made me lunch so I've got to do the right thing and get off of here!!

Some more of the scoop

So today was one of those days...whatever that means. If you took the time to read the last post, this one is kind of a deeper dive.

Today, while in the car with my family, I had one of my many driving anxiety moments. I could tell that it frustrated my husband b/c my gasps make him hesitate. If you know my husband, you know he is the sweetest human being alive, so when I know he is frustrated, my heart is heavy and I immediately climb into my depression shell. I don't know if driving anxiety and depression are related, but I do know that they are a painful combination that just feed off each other is the ugliest way.

I have struggled much more with little things since the depression first hit. I have noticed a huge improvement, but still have a hard time with many things such as...calling people. Yep, even the doctor to make an appt. My heart races and if at all possible, I wait for Brad to do the calling (or answering!).  Little things that most people don't think twice about, cause me so much stress. If I try to bring it up casually, I get brushed off, which cuts deep, so I fake my way through a lot of social encounters.  This has caused me a lot of loneliness as well.  It's like a spiraling of dark events. Ugh, I'm shuddering just thinking of how to get what I want to say across. I don't know if I really can.

Okay, I'm done. I can't type this.

Some of the scoop

Okay, I really need to get this out.  A little history of me and why I am am the way I am sometimes.


Most people don't know this about me and some will probably find it hard to believe, but I have suffered and struggled with depression for almost 3 years now.  As I look back on my life I can see little things that may have attributed to this, but I cannot pin point anything...until 3  years ago.  I was working at Chick-Fil-A and hating it.  I was so ashamed and felt like I hadn't made anything of my life (and college degree). I felt like people were judging me, especially those who knew me in highschool. I saw an ad for a dance teacher position with a Christian company on craigslist and jumped on it. I met with the director and we just clicked. It seemed we were both so excited to meet eachother. I was so relieved that I would be able to quit CFA. About two weeks after we met, she called me and let me know that she wouldn't be needing an additional teacher after all. I was crushed...and that is a major understatement. I fell into a scary depression for two weeks. Brad was worried and even contacted a therapist who told him it sounded like I had situational depression and that I needed to be the one who wanted help or no progress could be made. I was so ashamed- again. How could I be depressed? I am a daughter of the King of Kings and have never been hungry or in real need! This was so difficult to swallow. Since then I have had really, really dark days and some pretty good ones too. I have hurt myself physically and prayed that Jesus would take me in my sleep. When I started going to the Y (and eventually working there), I was doing better, but still had dark days. When I got pregnant with Lydia, I was the happiest I'd been in years. I had a true sense of purpose (which I'd never had previously) and felt joy again. I thought that this curse had been lifted...until she was about 3 months old. The depression returned with a vengeance. One small thing got under my skin and I was a mess for a few days. I would probably say they were my worst days yet. I would just cry and yell that I didn't want to do life anymore. I was and am so thankful for Brad and Lydia helping me through that time. I no longer pray for Jesus to take my life b/c I have hope that I will get better and I want to be there for my little princess. I hope someday that I will be healed from this completely and be able to speak with others about it publicly in hopes of helping someone else. I'm not there yet. I'm still embarrassed about it and start to cry when I want to bring it up, but my hope is there.

I hope this post will help you understand me a little better. :D

Blog Dilemma

Hmmm. I really love the idea of blogging because I feel like it will be a great way for me to get that feeling of being heard, yet avoid the feeling that people may see me as negative all the time. With the blog, you can come and read if you wish, but it's not right in your face and I'm not sitting you down and forcing you to listen to my "problems."
I've realized though, that it might be tricky. Sometimes the things that I want to express involve other people...and who knows, those people may want to read my blog. I don't want to hurt anyone's feelings or step on any toes. I really wanted this to be about my "issues," not about other peoples. That's their own thing.
With that said, I'm afraid this blog will not be as transparent as I had originally hoped. It will be when it comes to me, but I will spare others. :)
      

Irkies

I just want get this out. I know, I'm just complaining and there are bigger fish to fry, yada yada, but that's why I'm blogging yo!

Anyway, it irks me so much when you compliment someone (face to face, facebook, whatever) and they say something like, "Oh I know!" Really? If you don't know how to handle a compliment...face to face, just say "thank you," on fb, just don't reply and it will be forgotten anyway.  Example of what not to reply:

Person A: "Wow, great skirt. Very flattering!"
Person B: "I look good in everything."
Person A: seriously?

I for one hate when someone says something nice to me or something exciting about what's going on with them and I don't say anything about it. I try to unless it doesn't dawn on me until after the fact. I'm too caught up with what I was talking about sometimes, but I definitely try to hold any vain remarks back. They are so unflattering... on anyone.

Post #1 <--- Creativity at its finest!

Hello world! I have been wanting to blog for sometime now, but am just lazy. It's the truth. Like even now, I just want to stop typing and go sit and eat ice cream, but I will persevere. Haha.

Today, I was reminded of how much I hate losing. I am a quiet competitor. If I don't know that I will win in something, often times I just won't bother. It is rather ugly.  Losing or even just poor performance get me down and depending on what (say bowling or trivia, etc), it sometimes throws me into a depression pit. I really hope to be free of this someday. I pray often for it, but honestly sometimes I know there is no faith there to back up my requests. I also pray for more faith. In church this morning, one of pastors spoke of how the real "biggest losers" in life are those who lose their souls. We had the opportunity to just stop and pray...not for ourselves or anything, but just to bless the Lord and praise his name. It was a beautiful experience that humbled me and got my blood boiling in a good way. I have chosen to follow the Lord and I need that to show through my actions. I am so selfish, it is gross. I want to be better. I will keep you posted on this. Hopefully soon, I will have a report of how I am striving towards this.